My Identity

Well, let’s be honest here. All through my life (after I turned 16) I had came out as a lesbian and yet I was still so confused. I didn’t have a gf until college and something just didn’t feel right. She was really into sex, and since I found myself “in love” I gave her what she wanted. It still didn’t feel normal to me.

After she dumped me, I got to think a little more about myself and who I am. Of course, during this time after college I swear I was in a constant manic swing that ended fall 2011. Since then I’ve became more genuine. More… me.

The thing is that, if you’re my friend you may have trouble dealing with (as I have for the most part) the fact that I’m non-binary. I generally identify as a different gender than anything “male” or “female.” Unless I’m not identifying as anything.

I know it may be so confusing, believe me, I know. You all know I’ve had sex… with people from each binary. I can’t explain things dealing with the sex part to others. All I do know is that I don’t want to be referred to as she/her anymore because that’s not what I am. I’m going with they/them at this point as I keep exploring. Currently, I’m not interested in any sexual relations either.

I know that no one really knows about this and I don’t want to keep it this way. I’m not telling family (except my sister), but I’d like my friends to know. It’s a really rough time for me right now. Right now, one friend I know in real life knows, and she was amazing about it all.

I just want people to love me for me.

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Let’s Talk About Bodies…

It’s Friday. 3pm. Haven’t eaten yet. Somehow forced myself not to weigh myself, but then went into a panic bc if I gained or lost weight it would change how I ate. It was too long to go weigh myself, so I’m just going to say I gained so I need to be very restrictive today. Here I go again…

This isn’t something new for me. I’ve had extreme body issues for my whole life and each lb lost is a victory. No, I’ve never been skinny. Ever. But I’ve been practicing eating disorder behavior for so long now that I forgot when I started. A Roller-coaster. Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight again, and on and on. I can’t even look at pics of me ten years ago bc I was so damn skinny (looking back) and I cry every time one of those pop up.

The thing is, I don’t judge others like I judge myself. My selfie needs to be perfect before posting it, even if it takes a dozen or so pics to get it just right. I see someone in stores, etc., with my body type and don’t judge them. And honestly, I like my girls a lil chubby lol. But my extreme hatred of myself will never go away.

I can’t even IMAGINE being famous and the toll it takes on your body. That you basically have to almost practice anorexic exercising (over the normal amount of exercise that one would generally do). Getting judged by how you look, especially if you’re female. And a “lil chubby” is not gonna cut it. Unless, of course, you’re a character actor. And in music it’s almost impossible to not be skinny as shit. I’m very glad now, though, that the newer female artists embrace their body as-is. Comfortable in their own skin.

Anyway, it’s now 3:30pm. I’ve distracted myself for a half hour. And just know… to someone, you’re beautiful.

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Account Changes

So…since I don’t really use this site a lot, I ended up cancelling the personal part of my account, but renewed my domain.  I’m not sure how this is gonna change things, but I just couldn’t reconcile paying for something I hardly ever use.

Basically, I’ve been doing pretty bad in my life with my mental illness.  I always forget what I’m saying and lose words constantly.  I am trying, though…

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Think First, Speak Later

It was 2010.  I had come home from work early because I was having a bad episode of anxiety.  As soon as I came home, I was harped on by my sister’s boyfriend.  I couldn’t deal with that and the anxiety that was overwhelming, but I couldn’t retreat to my room because he wanted to drag it out… yell at me more, make me feel even worse about myself.  I suffered through that and eventually ended up in my room and on my bed crying.

Shortly after, I was told by someone very close to me that my mental illness was affecting everyone else and that it made people uncomfortable to be around me.  At this point, especially considering who it was, I was at the end of my rope.  I was basically told to not express my issues when around others because they would then get depressed, etc.  I was not in a good place, but no one knew how to “deal with me.”  I felt lost and I felt I couldn’t turn to anyone because I was convinced that everything about me was wrong and I shouldn’t bring it up (luckily I had amazing friends that I COULD talk to about and two friends in particular who basically let me sleep on their pull-out couch on weekends for at least 2 months).

Thing is, even when you’re frustrated about someone’s mental illness or anything related to that, you can’t just tell someone not to associate with people while they’re depressed or whatever.  You can feel that frustration.  You’re allowed to.  But walking away from someone to take a breather is better than taking it out on the person with the mental illness.  You have no idea what a flippant frustrated comment could do to person in crisis… or someone close to being in crisis.  And you can and allow yourself to have moods, so why tell someone else to suppress theirs?

Now, I look back.  The person who told me those things has a whole different perspective on things and my disorder.  They realized that sometimes I can’t hide when I’m depressed.  Or I can’t sleep when I’m a little bit manic.  Or that me walking away from a situation isn’t being rude, but trying not to have an anxiety attack.  Or that sometimes, no matter what, I’m going to have an all-out panic attack.  Or that if I shut down and listen to music when everyone else is talking it might because I’m hearing or seeing things.  I honestly think their perspective changed when I was admitted to a psych ward three times in one year.  That they couldn’t change me.  I am who I am.

And, thanks to my medication (even if they do make me gain weight) I can control a lot of these symptoms and I just wasn’t on the right ones before.  So, just, mind what you say to people… to anyone.  It could affect them more than you realize.

 

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Telling the Truth About My Church

So, I’m in the middle of writing a post on being Christian and a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, which is entirely possible because I AM.  But, this is not that.  This is a heart-wrenching thing I go through in my church all the time, and I think it’s time for me to be honest about it.

My church is part of the Assemblies of God denomination.  It is a highly Evangelical church, and we seek out new members and yes, evangelize.  I love the people I interact with in my church.  We do share a lot of the same views and they are almost always there to lift you up when things are going on, and they almost always pray for you and with you.  And I love our Pastor and the sermons he preaches (and may I mention he NEVER preaches against things, even the LGBTQIA+ community).  BUT… almost everyone in my church is not affirming.  Meaning, basically, they do not accept the LGBTQIA+ community.  They are very against it.  They think prayer will “cure” it.  They enjoy “shaming” those within the community.  Only one person in the congregation knows about my orientation, and she’s very liberal like me.

I’m sure you’re wondering why I stay in such a church.  Well, among with what I said before, my orientation is between me and God.  I don’t find reason to bring it up.  But I don’t go recruiting people to my church often because of the beliefs about my community.  I still have all the other beliefs and I want to talk to people about Christ.  A lot of times, though, I get asked if our church is accepting of the community because a relative has come out, or their daughter has, etc.  And I tell them the truth.  We’re a loving church, but they (and I always stress they) do not approve of the LGBTQIA+ community.  I also, however, tell them that Jesus does, and point them in the direction of the affirming churches in our town.  I’m sure if those in charge of my church knew I did that they definitely wouldn’t be too happy with me.

But yes, that’s the truth.  And I’ve learned to ignore it for myself because of the positive things.  I would, however, never refer anyone who is affirming to come to my church.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to change for anyone when God loves them the way they are.

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