I’m Alive, Really…

It’s been an obnoxiously long time since I’ve written anything.  With school and the church activities, the only moments when I’m not really doing anything is dedicated to sleep. Now, however, I’ve got a couple of days to do what I want.  Believe me, it is SO freeing!

I had a mini (ok.. horrible) reaction to some sudden weight gain earlier on in the week.  I hadn’t weighed myself for around five days, and was away at a woman’s conference for two of those days.  When I finally got on the scale, I had gained 10 lbs.  Holy freak-out, crying, had to take a sleeping pill to go to bed, mind racing, calling myself a failure, etc.  Of course, I wasn’t paying much attention on what my body was telling me because I was so focused on the number on the scale.

My hands and feet were swollen… badly.  I was more tired than usual, so much that I kept taking naps.  My brain felt fuzzy, and I couldn’t understand some of the simplest things.  A couple days later, I actually noticed those symptoms… and I got my monthly visitor.  After speaking with a nurse at my doctor’s practice about the hands and feet, she said I was retaining water and gave me a suggestion for brand and type of water pills that I could take.  And made sure I knew to only take them if I was feeling bloated.  Oh, the relief that gave me.  And I stepped on the scale this morning… I was back at the weight I was before all this.

The thing to address, however, is the fact that I had SUCH a bad reaction to the weight gain.  When I started gaining on the one med I had been taking, I rarely touched the scale and didn’t care.  Now, it’s like a complete tragedy.  I’m thinking it has to do with me being terrified to gain the weight back that I’ve lost.  It’s like, going backwards is me telling myself that I won’t look decent anymore… that I’ll get to the point where I was when I never went out, and if I did, it was in pj’s.  I never got dressed.  The only “pants” I wore were leggings (totally not bashing leggings here… got a couple of new pairs that actually fit and are adorable).  I refused to even try to find jeans to fit me because I knew that looking at a very high number would make me cry.  I was SO depressed.

I often say weight doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t… for everyone else.  I’d absolutely never judge a person because of their weight (unless it was clear that it was causing health problems, like, with blood work and stuff).  I don’t care what people look like.  My friends are my friends because we love each other, not because we’re comparing waistlines.  Yet… I am super critical of myself.  Guess this is a topic for my next therapy appointment.

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Living with Self-doubt

If you weren’t living under a rock or have been staying in the jungle with your animal brothers and sisters, you’ve heard that term.  A lot of people experience it at least once in their life, but some live with it as a part of their everyday lives.  Sometimes it’s a little annoyance, and other times it affects someone so much they are constantly questioning themselves and everything they do/say/think. Continue reading

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Why I sometimes can’t understand Major Depressive Disorder

Before I start, if any of you have MDD, I’m far from trying to make it a “less” or “fixable” mental illness.  Extreme respect to you.  You’re going through so much.  I just wanted to try to explain why I sometimes don’t relate.

I have Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type, GAD, Panic Disorder, and Social Anxiety.  I usually end up focusing on the most prominent symptom I’m having at the time.  Usually it’s the thought disorder (with hallucinations) and Bipolar mixed states.  I do still get Manic.  I still get depressed.  I still have major anxiety problems. Continue reading

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THIS is Mental Illness

A lot of people who have never experienced their own mental health crises or don’t have someone extremely close to them that have experienced it.  Subsequently, their thoughts about mental illness are a series of random stereotypes that trivialize what really goes on inside the head of a person who has a mental illness.  Oh, and of course the celebrities that come out about their own struggles while they are well enough to hide it (Carrie Fisher… she’s an exception.  She came public and had the public see the real face of MI). Continue reading

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“Everything happens for a reason.”

I, myself, absolutely hate that phrase.  It’s right up there with “it’s part of God’s plan.”  I mean, yes, I’m Christian, but I’ll show you why this is false.

When people are grieving, those two phrases are overused, and instead of making the person feel comfort, it makes them angry.  How dare someone say that to me?!  That’s usually one of the internal thoughts they have.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  And you can’t really hate someone for using those phrases, though, because the intent behind them is genuine, and they may not have been through the grief that the person who is needing comfort is experiencing. Continue reading

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