I had it yesterday… that elusive good day. The one where I didn’t feel like I was going to collapse from exhaustion and needed to take a nap. The one where my brain didn’t feel like it was racing around itself. The one where I didn’t feel a cloud of dread above my head everywhere I went. The one where I didn’t have to pretend everything was fine.
And damn it felt good.
You see, I live in a perpetual mixed state from day to day. I’m often torn between depressed exhaustion and an almost violent race of thoughts. I go to nap because all I want to do is get away from the world, but my mind won’t let me have a moment of peace. This is when I resort to melatonin in the middle of the day and pain pills that are supposed to knock you out. I’m lucky if it works.
And then there are the days when I’m in a constant rage. Nothing will satiate it. I will put my earphones in and flip out when people want to talk to me. My thoughts race so violently… causing my brain to have whiplash. I don’t want to be online. I can’t journal. I cant do anything but stew in my own hatred of myself and the world.
So it’s hard… waiting for those good days.
Oddly enough, today seems to be shaping up pretty well just like yesterday did. Perhaps I’ll have the rare two day in a row glow of happiness.
