That One Good Day

I had it yesterday… that elusive good day.  The one where I didn’t feel like I was going to collapse from exhaustion and needed to take a nap.  The one where my brain didn’t feel like it was racing around itself.  The one where I didn’t feel a cloud of dread above my head everywhere I went.  The one where I didn’t have to pretend everything was fine.

And damn it felt good.

You see, I live in a perpetual mixed state from day to day.  I’m often torn between depressed exhaustion and an almost violent race of thoughts.  I go to nap because all I want to do is get away from the world, but my mind won’t let me have a moment of peace.  This is when I resort to melatonin in the middle of the day and pain pills that are supposed to knock you out.  I’m lucky if it works.

And then there are the days when I’m in a constant rage.  Nothing will satiate it.  I will put my earphones in and flip out when people want to talk to me.  My thoughts race so violently… causing my brain to have whiplash.  I don’t want to be online.  I can’t journal.  I cant do anything but stew in my own hatred of myself and the world.

So it’s hard… waiting for those good days.

Oddly enough, today seems to be shaping up pretty well just like yesterday did.  Perhaps I’ll have the rare two day in a row glow of happiness.

About I.V.

39 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have one cat left... he's 14. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Music: Billie Eilish, Halsey, Bastille, Bush, Celldweller, The Chainsmokers, The Creepshow, Ed Sheeran, Hey Violet, Pink, 5SOS, Post Malone, Rob Zombie, Shinedown, Skillet, Taylor Swift, Tori Amos, Within Temptation, ZZ Ward.
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