It’s Friday. 3pm. Haven’t eaten yet. Somehow forced myself not to weigh myself, but then went into a panic bc if I gained or lost weight it would change how I ate. It was too long to go weigh myself, so I’m just going to say I gained so I need to be very restrictive today. Here I go again…
This isn’t something new for me. I’ve had extreme body issues for my whole life and each lb lost is a victory. No, I’ve never been skinny. Ever. But I’ve been practicing eating disorder behavior for so long now that I forgot when I started. A Roller-coaster. Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight again, and on and on. I can’t even look at pics of me ten years ago bc I was so damn skinny (looking back) and I cry every time one of those pop up.
The thing is, I don’t judge others like I judge myself. My selfie needs to be perfect before posting it, even if it takes a dozen or so pics to get it just right. I see someone in stores, etc., with my body type and don’t judge them. And honestly, I like my girls a lil chubby lol. But my extreme hatred of myself will never go away.
I can’t even IMAGINE being famous and the toll it takes on your body. That you basically have to almost practice anorexic exercising (over the normal amount of exercise that one would generally do). Getting judged by how you look, especially if you’re female. And a “lil chubby” is not gonna cut it. Unless, of course, you’re a character actor. And in music it’s almost impossible to not be skinny as shit. I’m very glad now, though, that the newer female artists embrace their body as-is. Comfortable in their own skin.
Anyway, it’s now 3:30pm. I’ve distracted myself for a half hour. And just know… to someone, you’re beautiful.