Let’s Talk About Bodies…

It’s Friday. 3pm. Haven’t eaten yet. Somehow forced myself not to weigh myself, but then went into a panic bc if I gained or lost weight it would change how I ate. It was too long to go weigh myself, so I’m just going to say I gained so I need to be very restrictive today. Here I go again…

This isn’t something new for me. I’ve had extreme body issues for my whole life and each lb lost is a victory. No, I’ve never been skinny. Ever. But I’ve been practicing eating disorder behavior for so long now that I forgot when I started. A Roller-coaster. Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight again, and on and on. I can’t even look at pics of me ten years ago bc I was so damn skinny (looking back) and I cry every time one of those pop up.

The thing is, I don’t judge others like I judge myself. My selfie needs to be perfect before posting it, even if it takes a dozen or so pics to get it just right. I see someone in stores, etc., with my body type and don’t judge them. And honestly, I like my girls a lil chubby lol. But my extreme hatred of myself will never go away.

I can’t even IMAGINE being famous and the toll it takes on your body. That you basically have to almost practice anorexic exercising (over the normal amount of exercise that one would generally do). Getting judged by how you look, especially if you’re female. And a “lil chubby” is not gonna cut it. Unless, of course, you’re a character actor. And in music it’s almost impossible to not be skinny as shit. I’m very glad now, though, that the newer female artists embrace their body as-is. Comfortable in their own skin.

Anyway, it’s now 3:30pm. I’ve distracted myself for a half hour. And just know… to someone, you’re beautiful.

About I.V.

39 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have one cat left... he's 14. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Music: Billie Eilish, Halsey, Bastille, Bush, Celldweller, The Chainsmokers, The Creepshow, Ed Sheeran, Hey Violet, Pink, 5SOS, Post Malone, Rob Zombie, Shinedown, Skillet, Taylor Swift, Tori Amos, Within Temptation, ZZ Ward.
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3 Responses to Let’s Talk About Bodies…

  1. See the funny thing is you’re saying you were never skinny, but I’ve seen old pictures of you and yeah…you were. I was, too, but I never realize it at the time. I didn’t realize it until an old pic from my memories popped up and I looked like a fucking lollipop, but at the time I still wanted to lose 80 more pounds. 80. More. Pounds. I didn’t understand why my brother kept asking me how much more I wanted to lose. Now of course I’m in a much different position which is absolutely due to what I’d done before. BDD is terrible.


  2. I.V. says:

    oh, yeah, I recognized I was pretty skinny when I was, but I also had to lose 30 lbs more to get the “ideal” weight for the BDM. I usually refer to not being skinny when having ed type eating and not LOOKING anorexic. BC people don’t believe me that I eat like I am. Ya know what I mean?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, I get it. I try to remember the facts about weight and weight loss and how its steeped in patriarchy and white supremacy. Like how BMI was never meant to be a scientific measurement anyway. I need to read “Fear of the Black Body,” which breaks down a lot of this history. Knowing this stuff helps, but it more helps me not be judgmental of OTHER people. I’m not as mean to myself, but I still would rather exist in a smaller body. But it’s okay to think that because it’s hard to shake what’s constantly shoved in your face.


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